Thanks to a little birdie I know down in Tampa, I have obtained a copy of Jon Gruden’s secret draft card. These are the guys he’s targeting in each round, with his commentary edited to add coherence and reduce profanity. It was a bigger task than you’d think.
Round 1 – Joe Flacco, QB Delaware
Man, what a cannon of an arm this guy has. He’ll be a heck of a lot better than that noodle-armed wuss Chris Simms. When does he come off the cap again? I need to ask [Tampa Bay GM] Bruce [Allen] about that.
Round 2 – Andre’ Woodson, QB Kentucky
He’s a big dude from the SEC, kind of like JaMarcus Russell. I can’t believe we could get in the second round what Oakland got with the first overall pick last year! Good thing I left those losers behind.
Round 3 – Erik Ainge, QB Tennessee
He’s tall and looked great in the Senior Bowl. He’s got to be a winner since his uncle won a couple championships. That reminds me, we need to lock up Chris Simms for another couple years. He comes from winning stock, and you can’t let that get away.
Round 4 – Colt Brennan, QB Hawaii
This guy put up incredible numbers out there in a pro-style offense rather than that new age spread garbage. Plus he took a pounding in the Sugar Bowl and kept on going. We need some more toughness around here from the backup quarterbacks, instead that weakling Simms who couldn’t even keep his spleen in one piece.
Maybe I can pawn Chrissy off on Al for another third or fourth rounder. That Booty kid from USC looks pretty sharp.
Round 5 – Dennis Dixon, QB Oregon
He’s electric, and he showed some real grit trying to play on a half-torn ACL. We could do some real damage playing him as a change up for a drop back passer like Chris Simms.
If we could put receivers on the field from sideline to sideline, it would open up some great running lanes for him. We could even give him the option to run or throw from the same set… this is getting good. I need to call up Bruce and see what he thinks about this.